Unpacking and Unpicking... Unconditional Positive Regard

Self love. It's everywhere these days. But what does it really mean, on a deeper level?

If you understood self love better, would that make it easier to practice? And how might it help you to grow?

This dude in the doodle is learning to meet their inner self with acceptance, come what may. And is looking pretty cute, while they do it.

“You can’t get rid of me, inner self - I’m here for the long haul!”

They’re learning to trust that they will be here for themselves, whatever they do or think or say. Because, let’s face it, who else is with us for our entire lives, except ourselves?

Trusting yourself no matter what can be easier to say than do, though. How about we have a go at practicing it, together?

To do that, we’re going to unpick and unpack a key term: Unconditional Positive Regard. It’s a great term to understand when exploring self love and its potential for supporting growth.

First, let’s break this term down: What is unconditional positive regard?

Unconditional - meaning no conditions, no agenda.

Positive - meaning acceptance, support.

Regard - meaning attention; consideration.

Unconditional Positive Regard started out in the world of therapy. It was introduced by a psychologist called Carl Rogers (1902 - 1987). He coined the term to refer to the complete support and acceptance a therapist shows to their client during therapy. Whatever their client says or does.

Rogers felt that individuals in therapy learn from this type of relationship, from being seen in this way, without judgement. It’s healing for them.

Rogers thoughts on unconditional positive regard and personal growth.

Receiving unconditional positive regard from a therapist is nurturing and creates a safe space. It helps you to be yourself. You reveal things you worry about revealing for fear of judgement. The therapist accepts what you reveal, and you experience what that acceptance feels like.

What kinds of things does someone say to show that they accept what you’re saying? And what you’re feeling and thinking?

This is why unconditional positive regard interests me the most. Because it helps you grow - by providing that space for you to reveal more of yourself. For me at least, personal growth is about getting to know more of myself. Revealing things I might have neglected, ignored, or been scared to share. These moments have been at the heart of the most helpful changes in my life.

Rogers thought that people who don’t have unconditional positive regard from anyone in their life would be more likely to have negative thoughts. So it’s not just for therapists. Practice it with people you feel close to and trust - and you may reduce the likelihood of them having negative thoughts. At least, that’s what Rogers thought.

How cool is that? You can influence someone else's thoughts.

Practicing unconditional regard with yourself might be trickier.

Here's a list of phrases that you can try when you talk to yourself.

• I love myself without conditions.

• I have no agenda in my relationship with myself.

• Whatever happens, I offer myself support and acceptance.

• I allow myself to have my own feelings and experiences without judging them.

• I am considerate of my own thoughts and feelings.

To make these phrases, I took each component: unconditional, positive, regard. I turned them into single sentences.

Go slowly, gently, test them out, try them on for size. They might not feel 'true' just yet when you say them to yourself. That's ok 🫶🏻

The hardest part to apply to ourselves may be the *unconditional* bit. It's easy to be positive and kind to ourselves on the 'good' days, the 'successful' days. The days when we're 'getting it right' or 'moving forwards'.

What about accepting ourselves on the days when we're moving backwards?

Making mistakes? Learning the same lesson over? Being mean? Realising we've been mean or got it wrong? Realising we've made a huge error of judgement?

Acceptance is as important. Maybe, even more important.

When these kinds of difficult thoughts come up, it’s easy to push them away or avoid them.

Healing and growth don’t come from avoiding or minimising your own behaviour or its impact. Healing and growing comes from accepting yourself come what may. Then you can properly own your behaviour and its impact. Without some unspoken fear of abandoning yourself.

When we feel safe, we can learn. In those difficult moments, what can we say to ourselves?

• I offer myself support.

• I offer myself acceptance.

• I am considerate to myself.

• I’m ok.

• This is how I feel right now.

• I’m right here, and I love you.

Self love means: I am I.

A long time ago I went to a session for parents whose kids were about to move from primary to secondary school. The educational psychologist there suggested using this phrase with kids, often: I’m ok, you’re ok.

And teaching them to use this one with themselves: I am I.

Isn’t this the purest expression of acceptance? I am what I am. This is me. This is all of me. That’s all there really is. No judgement. Nothing else. I am I.

Why is unconditional positive regard important?

I weave self love through Design for Life. I try and build it into all the exercises I give people. And I practice unconditional positive regard for my clients on the calls, too.

I’ve found that it’s crucial to approach change with self compassion to make changes that last. If changes are coming from shame or self-judgement, they rarely stick. It feels off, icky. Motivation matters.

Practicing self love can be the most magical starting point for all kinds of changes to emerge and unfold. I call it a practice because it’s one of those things that need that kind of daily attention. Maybe there are some people in the world that it just comes naturally to; I’m not one of them. A little self love every day is something I can hold myself to, and see the benefits from.

How to practice: Let love in

@elizabeth_gilbert_writer has a wonderful love-letter writing practice on her substack. It’s perfect for connecting with your own unconditional positive regard!

Try it out: Writing a love letter to yourself.

A discount, with love

Here’s a little extra drop of love, as mentioned on instagram yesterday: 20% off Design for Life programmes on my website and Getting to Know Yourself on Gumroad. Use this code for 20% off: LoveYou