Unpacking and Unpicking... Recovery (Part Two)
In the last post we identified the complicated journey of recovery and explored it with some examples and a doodle. This time, I've got a new doodle - and it comes with some practical suggestions.
In part one, I described a common phrase that is used about recovery and showed how that phrase is often represented as a graph. I also looked at the problems with representing recovery in this way and walked through what I noticed from working with people after they have experienced a significant brain injury.
I suggested a new way of drawing recovery, different from drawing a graph. As I drew it and shared it, I felt like this could just be the start of something. This time I’m digging deeper into what I learned last time in order to find another new way of drawing recovery that leads to practical suggestions.
In the last post, we learned that recovery can be:
Struggle
Discomfort
Confusion
Scary
Frustrating
Hard
Relentless
Possible
I could see all of this in my previous experience supporting people after severe brain injury. The most sustainable recoveries I saw were not about ‘getting back’ to anything other than:
A sense of control.
A deep connection with self.
I noticed that the people who came through this shift:
Felt confident and content with what life looks like, now, even with its challenges. And even with how different it was from ‘before’.
Found a sense of purpose. This could be quite different from the kinds of activities that brought a sense of purpose before. This led me to understand that we don’t have a single purpose in life.
Eventually I could see that these are the most beautiful elements of recovery.
All you need in recovery. To “be”.
This beautiful text is the truth of recovery, from Brianna Pastor’s work, shared by her on instagram:
The poem reads:
please do not rush my recovery
I am in a whirlpool of
“should be,” “could be,” “would be,”
when all I need is to
”be”
And yet, to “be” is the hardest state of all to find, to lean in to… isn’t it? It is for me. I think a different perspective on recovery can help us to lean in to that state of ‘being’ instead of should be, could be, would be.
What is recovery, if it isn’t growth?
Since recovery needs us to “be” in the midst of change that we can’t control, I think that means that recovery is growth.
And if recovery is growth, then growth is up and down.
Growth is messy; up and down and all around. (Thank you, Kristin Lohr).
The poem above, from a post shared on instagram, reads:
Remember, growth isn’t linear.
Growth is up and down and all
around. Growth is messy.
Growth is messy, and so is recovery. So, let’s stop feeding the illusion that it’s about back, or more, or ‘higher’. I think that illusion isn’t helpful.
Recovery by its very nature is going to lead to somewhere different. (And that doesn’t mean it’s going to be worse, either).
However, saying ‘recovery is messy’ feels scary. It acknowledges the reality, and that can give a sense of relief or release. But it doesn’t provide much hope or practical help. Which led me to ponder: what might bring some hope or practical help?
Let’s pause and bring those threads together.
Recovery as “getting better” is often associated with returning to a previous state or achieving specific external markers of process. In my experience, recovery is actually deeply personal. It’s messy. It’s growth. It involves regaining a sense of self, purpose, and control - and regaining these things may or may not result in ‘getting back to normal’. Where normal means getting back to pre-recovery experiences. Recovery is about adaptation and finding new ways to thrive.
A different way of drawing recovery.
Writing part one helped me to see that whatever it is we’re recovering from, that situation pulled us away from ourselves. It took us away from our sense of control.
Recovery is about ‘regaining’ that lost sense of control and re-finding a deep connection with self. Central to both of those is a sense of purpose.
This means recovery doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with activity at all (‘getting back to business as usual’). It’s not really about getting better though it often means that we feel better. Whoa. That feels like a big insight.
Now, to the drawing board.
In this drawing, we begin at the word ‘self’. The black line starts here, representing our sense of control and our connection with who we are. Then the line moves away from the word ‘self’, showing how we often lose touch with ourselves when we go through difficult things.
Then, as recovery starts to happen, we begin a messy, looping journey back to ourselves. In the drawing, the black line starts to twist and turn. At this moment it gets highlighted in green. And from now on, it’s not linear, it’s not a straight line. It’s a wiggly waggly line that goes back on itself and gets tangled in itself sometimes. Eventually, though, that line returns to the word ‘self’, showing how we rediscover ourselves with new insights and purpose. And, hopefully, new levels of self acceptance.
On the right hand side there is a second, similar drawing. This time we begin at the words ‘sense of control’. This time, as the black line moves away from those words, it highlights how challenging experiences can leave us feeling out of control over our lives. The similar messy, looping journey of the green highlighted line represents a gradual process of regaining a sense of control over time (with the odd setback).
I think that these two things go hand in hand - regaining our sense of control and reconnecting with our sense of self. I choose the words “sense of control” because it’s not true or total control: There’s so much in our lives that we don’t have control over. But that sense of control or “having agency” is an important factor in feeling ourselves again. At least, that’s my experience.
Agency: Taking responsibility for the areas where you can make choices and have control. Feeling a sense of your own power and ability to change things. Believing in your ability to handle challenges and obstacles when they come up. Your ability to influence your own behaviour and thoughts.
Practical approaches to recovery.
These are great insights, but does this actually give us practical help?
Here are some suggestions on how to incorporate ‘recovery is growth, growth is messy’ and ‘recovery is about reconnecting with yourself in new and different ways’. All with a big dollop of rediscovery your sense of control.
Focus less on returning to activities, and more on learning something about yourself:
Reconnect with your values (or work out what they are, if you don’t know them already).
Learn more about your strengths and characteristics.
Explore your purpose, and try new things that can show you a little about what that purpose might be.
Trace your story so far, and what you learned along the way.
Focus on approaches and activities that give you a sense of control. Exactly what these are will be deeply personal and my take some uncovering. You might begin with a list of activities that take you away from a sense of control. For example, as someone who loves cooking but can’t cook in the way they used to, cooking might go on that second list of activities.
Define your own recovery. It’s a deeply personal journey rather than something anyone or anything outside of you can define. Create your own phases, even if you need to look backwards to be able to distinguish them. Note that this isn’t about having a deadline or goal with a specific date attached. It’s more like setting a gate that you will eventually pass through and be into the next phase.
For example, early phases after surgery might look like this:Phase 1: Immediate healing and treatment. Staying in pyjamas, conserving energy, doing what I can. Gentle movement. Following post-surgery advice on looking after the surgical site.
Phase 2: Focus on daily rhythms. Doing more in the morning, and more able to ‘get ready for the day’. In some discomfort but not so aware of the surgical site. Reducing pain medication significantly from those early days.
Reflect on recovery in your own life.
Think of a time you recovered from something - an illness, an injury?
Can you see these patterns in your recovery, in hindsight?
Moving away from self and sense of control when the illness happened?
Returning to yourself as you moved through recovery?
Getting back a sense of control as you felt more recovered?
Can you map out some phases that you went through along the way? Perhaps as simply as three phases: Beginning, Middle, End?
You might be thinking: Really, Lou? That’s it? Can’t you tell me what to actually do? Sorry that I can’t do that; I’m not going to fall into Brianna Pastor’s whirlpool of telling you what you should do.
But making sense of past experiences can be all we need to prepare us for future ones, or help us with current ones. I love that about our complex, adaptive, resilient, expansive brains. We can revisit and create stories about ourselves to engage multiple regions of our brains and help us to understand and integrate what we’ve learned from what happened.
Recovery is not linear: it’s not a straight path back to what was. It’s not even a winding path back to that. It’s a deeply personal journey that involves reconnecting with yourself, rediscovering your purpose - and being open to that changing - and finding a way back to a sense of control in your life.
If you’re recovering at the moment, you have my deepest empathy - and a dollop of hope too. You got this.
